Tuesday, March 17, 2009

AIG Bonus List Revealed

Pursuant to the subpoena issued by New York Attorney General Andrew Cuomo, the American International Group (AIG) has released a list of the bonuses issued by its Financial Products division. While seventy-three employees received bonuses of at least $1,000,000.00, some of the bonuses were paid to people who didn't even work for AIG.

Among the workers deemed by AIG to be deserving of special recognition for outstanding job performance were:

Captain Joe Hazelwood, Exxon-Mobil Corporation. AIG President and CEO Edward M. Liddy observed, "It is true that there was one incident in which Capt. Hazelwood performed at less than his peak, but people overlook the many voyages in which Capt. Hazelwood neither ran aground and caused a massive oil spill, nor operated his ship under the influence of alcohol. On balance, Hazelwood was entitled to a bonus of $800,000 because it is in the interests of Exxon-Mobil to retain the best and the brightest."

Homer J. Simpson, Fork and Spoon Operator, Sector 7-G. Absenteeism, gluttony, sleeping on the job, and generalized incompetence. $1,200,000.00.
According to AIG's Liddy, "If only AIG owned a nuclear power plant, he would be our safety officer."


George L. Costanza. $3,800,000.00 for performance above and beyond the call of duty for multiple employers.
Pendant Publishing: fired for having sex with cleaning woman on his desk.
Play Now Corporation: defrauded corporation by posing as a handicapped employee.

New York Yankees: placed team in shrinkable cotton uniforms, causing painful rout, chafing; traded to Tyler Chicken for fermented chicken products.
Krueger Industrial Smoothing: defrauded corporation out of $10,000 for contribution to "The Human Fund", a nonexistent charity.
AIG CEO Liddy's comment, "Are you sure he never worked for AIG/FP? He may not be Penske material, but we like the cut of his jib!"

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